The most recent stimulus campaigns have failed to completely revive the American economy, so President Obama is announcing an innovative “Children’s Stimulus”. In this new program, President Obama will give 10-13 year olds $500 to buy new jeans, high tops, video games, and candy. The president said:

“By putting this money in the hands of the nation’s 10-13 year olds, we will stimulate the economy on multiple levels. First, parents will have to drive their children to these stores to make the purchases. That will inevitably lead to more tire changes, oil changes, and windshield wiper replacement at our nation’s service stations. Secondly, the stores will have to hire new clerks and salespeople to handle all of the incoming customers. Thirdly, children tend to get hungry, which means increased visits to the Food Court. You see, it really works. By giving $500 to the nation’s children we will be putting so many American adults back to work.”

Skeptics immediately questioned how the government would know that the children had spent the money on jeans, high tops, video games, or candy and not on other “un-stimulating” things like food, medicine, and school books. President Obama has a plan for that and announced the creation of a new federal program, the Children’s Recovery Accountability Program or CRAP for short. President Obama said:

“Under this new CRAP, the federal government will require the 10-13 year olds to submit a stimulus spending report with receipts detailing their purchases. Employees of CRAP will then examine the receipts to make sure that the youngsters spent their stimulus money as they were instructed (on jeans, high tops, video games, and candy). If a CRAP employee determines that a child spent the money inappropriately, he will be authorized to fine the child $1000 per offense or sentence the child to 1 year in prison.”

What do children and their parents think about this program? We asked little Charlie Miller of Davenport, Iowa and he told us:

“Sounds great! I can’t wait to buy a new pair of Levi’s, Nike Air Force sneakers, Super Mario Brothers, Call of Duty, and a 100 pound bag of M&Ms. It is also cool to know that I am patriot!”

Charlie’s dad, William, 35 unemployed, said he has plenty of free time to take Charlie to the mall anytime he wants to do his stimulus spending. William is proud to see his son becoming a man and hopes that some day his son will do some grown-up stimulus spending on a house or a car. “You gotta start ‘em young”, William said.

Will this new program work? Only time will tell, but so far the prospects look great!